What SUCKS More: Hoosier Bars or Hipster Bars?

Most twenty and thirty-somethings that enjoy the south St. Louis nightlife have been to both Hoosier and hipster bars. Hoosier bars, think South Broadway. Hipster bars, think South Grand.

SURE, THERE'S SIMILARITIES:

• Most of the music will probably suck. At hoosier bars it will mostly be bad country music and KSHE 95 fare rock 'n roll. But every now and then, with a sigh of relief, you'll hear some Hank Williams or Thin Lizzy. At hipster bars, the juke will be blasting whatever Pitchfork says is cool. Fortunately, not every artist reviewed by Pitchfork is an obscure electropop group from Sweden.

• Cheap Stag and PBR. Two beer icons from the past. Hoosiers never quit drinking it and hipsters drink it because it's "vintage" and cheap.

• Men will sport Mustaches. Hipsters, leave the mustaches to the Hoosiers, the irony's gone.

...And a riddle: I'm thinking of two types of people in south St. Louis. Both start with an H, end with an R, have seven letters and (insert comparison here.)

AND THE DIFFERENCES:

• At a hoosier bar, there will always be some drunken idiot playing scratchers at the bar that wants to be your new best friend. At a hipster bar, people are too cool to make friends.

• You're more likely to get beat up at a hoosier bar by that same drunken idiot playing scratchers, you know, the guy that wanted to be your best friend. At a hipster bar you're more likely to get felt up during an electronic remix of Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing."

• The jeans.

• Generally speaking, attractive individuals frequent hipster bars more than hoosier bars.

For your interweb pleasure: Look at This Fucking Hipster

...And a clip from Peter E. Parisi's classic St. Louis public access program, World Wide Magazine, "Brain Sandwiches." Eugene Horner and Vince try a brain sandwich at Dieckmeyer's Tavern, 6201 S. Broadway. Dieckmeyer's is now Kicker's Corner Sports Bar.